What to say on this blog anymore?  We lost our boys.  They are gone.  It hurts.  It is over.  Is my blogging about it over?  Am I just complaining if I continue the mental lingering here on my blog?  Maybe. 

Maybe I should stop. 

Maybe I should change the title of my blog and keep on talking ... about other things? 

Not today. Not yet.

The last few weeks have been overwhelming.  I have been overwhelmed with emotions as the finality of our journey with M & D sets in.  The first time we sent them back on the long trip back to Ukraine I was wrought over the fact that I may never hear their voices again.. now, it has actually happened, their voices are gone from my life.  That is so final. And it sucks.  Even when they were in Ukraine we would Skype and keep in touch and we could hear their voices and see their faces.  They are such precious kids. 

God is good.  He has good things planned for us.  His character is trustworthy and true and faithful.

I am struggling.  I struggle with the why? Why, when we were in pursuit of his plans for us, did we end up here?  Hurting?   I boxed up all their clothes and things for the attic this week.  You realize how deeply you love someone when you are packing their things into a box to be stored away for ever.  That was no fun. 

God is compassionate.  He is close to the brokenhearted.  He binds up our wounds.  He is gentle.


I want to know so much.  What is the plan now?  Do we host again?  Adopt?  Do nothing for now?

God speaks.  He is not distant.  He desires relationship and communication, he guides those who seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. 
My mind is foggy.

And that is how I feel. .... really... Looking back on the last 8 years... I can see how God has used some severe life circumstances to make me stronger (in Him), and taught me so much.  I can see how the nearly drowning experiences of life taught me that I can not do any of this on my own, and that walking on water is not possible apart from holding Jesus hand.  I learned that when you almost drown, you appreciate life more.  When you lose something precious, you appreciate the other precious things you have left a lot more.  You also learn to let all of it go.  Because you realize that this is a fight for control that you simply can not win.  I can not control my life.  I will not try. 

I saw a sign today.  I almost laughed.  Yes.  This.  This is how I feel.

It read:

Dear "Whatever Doesn't Kill You",

Thank you, but I am strong enough now.


HA!

This is me this week!   I have been trying to get that message to God... Thank you for choosing to grow me, but that is enough for now.  Give me a year off or something. 

The reality is though, in the midst of all my trials and struggles, I do realize that He is setting me free.  He came to proclaim freedom for this captive.  Me.  He came so that I could have life and have it abundant.  Now.  He has let my prison cell be rattled until I have had enough of prisoner life and have chosen to step out towards Him and live in freedom.

Humble yourself before the Lord and He WILL lift you up.  (James 4)

Good promise.  He will.

My mind is foggy with sadness and pain and the concern that I am not going to "get it right" as we move forward seeking what our next steps are.  But I am not going back to that prison cell of trying to control my own life.  My mind is foggy, but it is "free-er" now than it was last year.  I can recognize the hand of the enemy when he attempts so subtly to lead me back to my prison.  I will not live there.  Not when I know freedom is so good.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.    (prov 3)

a post you may find weird unless you are a mom

Laying in bed tonight,  I was caught up with a thought.  It started out as just a thought and then God started to wrap up my mind in this realization.  I had to drag myself out of my warm bed, downstairs to write about this.  (because seriously by morning, who knows where my mind will have wandered-)

As we have been processing the loss of M and D, we have started wrestling with the idea of what is next?  We still feel wholly called to adopt.  We still feel committed to care for orphans.  More than that we now know that we are capable of loving children that aren't ours exactly as much as we care for our own. 

So even in our grieving process, we have chosen to complete our paperwork as far as we can, and move forward knowing that God does have good things planned for us.  So, of course we have asked each other, ourselves, and God, over and over... should we host again?  And as gut-wrenching as it is to imagine putting ourselves out there again... we have tossed around the idea.  I have found myself glancing over a few hosting organizations photo listings. 

And

it is so hard.

This is what I was talking to God about in bed tonight, that stirred something up in me.  I was just thinking how impossible it is to look at these pictures and feel something for these kids like what I felt towards M & D.             When I think about what M looks like in my mind, I do not see his face, well, I see his face, but what I see stronger and clearer than his facial features is

the way I feel about him reflecting back at me. 

If you could see D in my mind, you would not see him the way he actually looks. Not just a list of facial features or a snapshot.  I really think as a mom our kids look different to us than what they really look like.  We see our pure love for them when we look at them. 

As I was realizing all these things, it hit me that, once upon a time, M & D were nothing more (to me)than a solitary picture on my computer screen.  I saved their picture to my desk top.  M in batman shirt and D with his half smile and they looked like decently cute but very ordinary elementary school age boys.  That is all they were to me.  A single picture and there was no love reflecting off of anyone. 

NOW, when I picture them, I think about sitting on the couch and looking over at a face that is glowing with love, my own love for them, reflecting back at me.  The little face is singing me a song in Ukrainian, or asking demanding bananas from me, or quivering sharing some sad part of his past, or even calling me a liar for an inaccurate minute count until Papa came home.  It didn't matter what they were doing or saying, they were glowing. . . is that weird?

This is silly, but it is just hitting me now... this is true even with my 1 year old.  So many times, I have been overwhelmed with her cuteness and just HAD to take a picture because like... umm .. look at her she is just absolutely stunningly adorable right now, this is so precious and awesome I must capture this moment with a photo!  CLicK-  Yes, let me upload this for all to sit and stare at her for a while because she is just so stinkin' cute!  In fact, babygap may just be calling me if they stumble upon my fb page.  Those baby models got nothing on her!  And then...I  look at the picture... whaaat???  Is that peanut butter crusted on her booger face and is she snarling? yikes and does she really have a mullet?  ooooooohhh maybe I won't upload this one today... 

hhahah!

blinded by my love!

This is for real!  In a parent's real love for their child, it does not matter what their child actually looks like, the parent is seeing an image of real true love when they look at their child.  As I am looking through the photolistings I am thinking, man, M & D must just be stunningly beautiful. . . but when I pulled up their old photo listing picture I realized in reality they were just 2 boys!  It was my love that was making them look beautiful to me. 



In the stillness of my head I heard the father saying

-that is how I see you.  When I look at you I do not see who you actually are, I see the depth of the love that I have for you and it is beautiful.-


                   So that is why God could love us all so passionately and persistently and sacrificially.  He sees us through absolutely different lenses than we see ourselves, or others see us.  The best part is, my love is flawed and human and yet I can experience this powerful unexplainable truth in my love for my kids. 

Just try to step back and imagine looking through His lenses.  Oh, how he must love us!  To give what he gave for us.  I am so thankful he sees me like a parent sees their child.  but so much better because his love is exponentially deeper. 

I am kind of overwhelmed with this song.
It is so good.  I believe that He still heals.  Because I have experienced it in the past.  And I am in the midst of it again.  It is not where I want to be.

Let me be real.  I want to be planning a future with ALL of my family.  I want to be rejoicing as paperwork is completed and funds are coming in,... I want to be receiving an appointment from the SDA, and booking tickets and saying Yippee all along the way.  I want to walk away from the orphanage holding hands with two sweet boys who already have taken up home in my heart and hop on a plane and bring them home for good.

But,

I believe my God is faithful. 

Every tear is caught up by Him.

He still hears, He still comes, He still speaks, He still heals. 

We can count on Him. 

 He holds my life secure.  Every single thing is subject to Him.

Loss and Peace

There is no place place where his love can’t reach. There’s no place where we can’t find peace.  There’s no end to amazing grace.

I am so thankful for the peace of God.  The peace that passes understanding.  It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways. 

(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)

I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again.  I get it, that some people do not get it.  I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right?  Ok, these are human beings!  You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent.  I may not have gotten it before, either.  So I am not bashing those people.  When do you become a family?  When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet.  When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then. 

So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children.  It is so.. awkward.  It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love.  I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy.  I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on.  I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter.  I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him.  I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again.  (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)

This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace.  It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ.  The knowledge that I am never going to lose him.  The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him.  And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me.  The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another.  The power that comes through being friends with Jesus.  Real friends, like talking everyday friends.  This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them.  And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not. 


That is just the way this life is. It is hard.  There is so much at stake when you love people deeply.  But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.

It is going to be worth it.  It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it.  I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason. 


Why the heck would we do this?  Why the heck would we put ourselves out there?  Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love?  To state it simply… it was never about us.  It was always about them.  It was always about loving the way Jesus loves.  Loving unselfishly.  Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever.  I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day.  I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me.  He knows that.  But, it is not about me.  It was always about Max and Denys.  It was about helping them understand the love of a family.  It was about showing them the love of Jesus.  It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it.  It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now.  It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us.  It was about healing for them.  It was about having fun with them!  Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun.   It was all out of real love for them.  It was all love. 

Love is so raw.  So real.  So fragile.  It makes you so vulnerable.  Uhh yea, super vulnerable.  And that sucks. 

We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days.  They are being adopted by another family.  We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back.  But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain.  Seriously, I am an emotional person.  When I hurt, it freaking hurts.  This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch.  This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness.  This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness.  This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.

But there is underlying peace. 

This is God’s will for me. 

There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life.  Like when they say build your life on Jesus.  Yea really, you can do that.  If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose.  Love, Joy, Peace.  Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus.  And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE.  It is crazy.  Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.

When we are weak than we are strong.  Humbleness.  Brokenness.  Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning. 

Extremely Rough Seas

 

This week was rough.  We are really spinning in a whirlwind of emotions.  Helplessness, desperation, fear, loss, mostly just utter chaos.

((Insert big ol' sad face.))

What's that I said? Insert sad owl face?  ok.

 

........

I am weird, I know

.......

so-


We got a call from someone at the beginning of the week letting us know that there is an Italian family trying to adopt M & D right now.  They are already there, in country.  Panic.  We know a few families who were also in this same situation, and lost children that were already theirs in their hearts to another family.  How hard.

How surreal.

It is NOT what you expect to happen when you chose to love an orphan.  When you have already decided to make them your family.  When you have developed a powerful bond with them.  You do not expect them to get whisked away by another family before you finish all your paperwork. 

The situation has grown more complicated as we have communicated with the boys and they have expressed to us that they do not want to go with this family.  They have been very clear.  No, they do not want to go with the Italians, they want to wait for us.  We skyped 2 days in a row with a translator, and on the second day we skyped a full hour after the translator left.  What a blessing.  Despite these chaotic times, I am still absolutely happy to see my boys.  I love their smiles and their funny little broken English things they say on Skype.  I ask them what they had for dinner..."uhhhh (shrug) uhhh soup."  I say what kind?  Chicken soup?  Jaba (frog) soup?  Keeshka (cat) soup?  They laugh and say "no mama, mouse soup!" bahahahah!  I love them.  When it was time to get off of Skype they were asking me not to go, and kissing the screen.  Their eyes are pleading for help out of this difficult situation.

We are praying that GOD would move a mountain. 

We are remembering that we are always this helpless.  We are always this powerless.  We are so. little.  But God is so big.  He is still the God who promises, and fulfills his word.  He is still faithful. He is still strong. And he still loves M & D so fully.  He sees our pain, and he hears their fears.  He is in control. 


When Sean and I started our journey, we decided this song was going to be our theme song for the "trusting-God-part" of our adoption.

I can't listen to it this week without crying, but He surely is "leading me to where my trust is without borders"   The painful part of reality, I am learning, is it takes some deep brokenness to get there.

 

 

Worth, sacrifice & birth.

The Lord has put something on my heart recently that I am struggling through.  .

The scenario goes like this... A friend asks me if I really am prepared to do what it takes to adopt from Ukraine.  What it takes is ... unknown really... but yes, it is going to take a lot.  The list includes:  money, time in country, and forever a life that is changed.  Two more human beings to love and care for ev.er.y.day.  Therapy- probably, heartache- for sure, sleepless nights - already got 'em.  And then there are the sacrifices.  It is pretty certain that a Disney World trip will not be in our future.  Or any vacations that require air travel.  We will always be overloaded on laundry, and it is likely I will never get to step foot out of the kitchen again...

Just kidding-

But when I look into the eyes of 2 boys that I know in my heart are already my sons, all I can think is... immeasurably... M and D:

 

There is an attitude in attitude that has become clear to me.   It has been said to me multiple times. "But what about your kids. They need you."  One day J, E, or K may read this.  (it'll be a while...)  But, J, K,& E I have a message for you too:



I have a tradition every night when tucking the littles into bed.  It started with a book we read, and now we have given it a little twist.  Each night I tell the kids what I love them to (and back), and they tell me what they love me to (and back :) )  For example:   I love you to every jellybean in the candy factory and back, or I love you to every caterpillar in the world and back, or I love you to every freckle on your face and back!

I love the children God has given to me, and that will never ever change.  They have been loved from day 1 of their lives.  I am not discontented with the family I have right now. 

However, I am discontented with the fact that 2 precious "sons" of mine are not getting tucked in, & told how much they are loved by their mama tonight.  They are not being loved to the moon and back by any body.  They are missing out on precious time that could be spent in a family. 

They are children. 

They deserve a childhood. 

The whole purpose of  childhood is to enjoy your family and enjoy carefree life.  I desperately want to ransom them and buy back their chance at childhood.
If J, E, or K, were somehow snatched up, and taken to a Ukrainian orphanage and I was told I had to do monstrous amounts of paperwork, wait a painful amount of time, pay seemingly insurmountable amounts of money, and travel across the ocean to pay their ransom, and get my children back, I would do it.  Would you?  Yea.  Because your kids are worth it.  And the amazing thing is... there just may be some kids residing in an orphanage somewhere that are "your kids" in the heart of the Father.  I truly believe the father looked on us, looked on them, and matched us up, chose us to be their family, and them to be our children.  Very similarly to the way natural children and born into families.  Our boys were born into ours.  Just a wee bit bigger. :)

The Post -

 

This is one of those posts that is going to take a while to write.  So as I start click- clacking away, knowing this is the kind of post that will take time to write, I ask that you not skim.


It is going to be long!


Either read it, or don't!  But no skimming!   This comes from the heart, it all needs to be said, and it is going to take a lot of emotional effort to write.... so phew.  Here we go. 



When we committed to hosting we were doing so out of obedience.  We were unsure, to say the least, about every aspect of this adventure.  We were unsure about the money, the space in our home, our ability to REALLY love strangers, and, lastly, and biggest, we were unsure about the boys.  I will never forget my first conversation with someone who knew the boys.  An encouraging host mom,turned adoptive mom, who had met the boys a year prior said to me
"oh, you are going to have fun... They are ALL boy."
 ( I sensed a trace amount of a warning in that comment!)

HA!


Soon we were on an adventure, learning to love strangers.
Little stranger boys who just happened to be orphans.



A while ago, like years ago, I remember telling the Lord that yea, I cared about orphans and that maybe even one day we could "do something" for the orphans.  Can I be completely honest with you?  I told him the type of orphans I wanted to care for. And, can I be really ugly transparent with you? YIKES  I told him the exact type I couldn't envision myself loving:

"(not those 10 year old Russian boys)"

I said that... to God. 


(I made it small text so maybe you skimmers would miss this part and I would get away with that embarrassing truth about the condition of my heart!)  Can you believe that He, through a whirlwind chain of events, brought little people that fit that mold exactly to my doorstep... No, not to my doorstep,    i  n  t  o    my home!

 

They busted into my home alright!  They really were all boy.  Lots of noise, lots of toy slinging, wrestling, and eating.  Oh, the, eating.  They ate as much as my family of 5 combined.  Seriously.  My grocery shopping load doubled.  Underneath all the noise and the eating I was seeing these little broken sweet boys shining through.  Big things were happening.  I do not know exactly what was happening with them.  They have their own stories to tell, I am sure!  But big things were happening with me.  God was stretching ME.  I thought I was doing this for them.  They were the ones in need after all, right??? 



I realized how much God loved me.  That when I was an orphan, he sought me out, and brought me into his family.  I really can relate to that now.  I appreciate that more, that He cared, when He did not have to.  Because orphans are no ones "responsibility".  He did not have to love me.  But He loved me anyway.  He did not have to walk beside me in my brokenness.  But he did anyway.  He did not have to give it all up in a beautiful picture of sacrifice for my personal healing, but he did that anyway.  
Awe-inspiring.
 

 

 

 

We were watching hearts soften before our very eyes.  We were witnessing the most beautiful thing. It was actually amazing.  From a boy who ate everything he could as fast as he could and would hide food in his pockets, to a boy who even turned down food a few times because it wasn't his preference at the moment.  From a boy who would lay stiff in his bed when being tucked in and face the wall when I told him I loved him and I would just kiss the back of his head, to a boy who kissed my cheek and said I love you every night, closed his eyes and smiled while I stroked his forehead and always called for me to come back after I left the room for "extra hugs mama?" each night. 

Oh wait, I forgot to mention... we were watching our OWN hearts soften.  Reality is, you cannot love sacrificially and purposefully and not be drastically changed.  Remember that ugly transparency above?  Yes, that same heart that thought 10 year old Russian orphans were beyond my limit and abilities is now racing toward 2 half grown, big boys from Ukraine.  My heart softened... guess that is where God wants me.

The Decision

This winter during hosting, the decision became very clear to us.  These boys were already ours. They were our sons.  After a few weeks of having them here in the summer we would have thought it would be crazy to adopt 2 more kids.  We now are both  to the point that we feel it is crazy NOT to adopt these boys!  They are our sons.  I can't describe it any other way.  They are our family.  Of course we will go after them and do all that it takes to bring them home!  My husband said something so simple when we started discussing adoption this winter.  I asked him what our plans were, what are we thinking?  He simply stated, "I am all in."  wow.  I had to let my jaw drop and really backtrack a bit and explain to him all that being "all in" included.  .  .  .  .  He just looked at me and said it again,

"Yea, I am all in." 

We are all in folks!

We are in this for the whole life encompassing FOREVER of family.


This is not a fairy-tale, and so everything is not perfect.  In our entirety we are all a picture of brokenness (and hopefully we will each become a unique story of healing for God's glory!)  So far, this is a story of God's faithfulness and provision.  He truly provided in SO many ways before and during our hosting.  It is a story of God's extreme love.  It is a story of walking by faith and not by sight.  It is a reminder of Jesus' story of going after the one lost sheep and rejoicing when that precious sheep is found.       

wanna read it?  it is good stuff:

                

10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. 14So it is not the will of myFather who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. 

 

We cannot wait for that rejoicing part!  Right now, we are, again, taking another step of obedience. This time we have the full assurance of faith in Him who will carry this work he has started to completion.  Because really, this is ALL about Him.  We are all in, because he has brought us here, changed us, grown us, and made this possible. 

We are more than happy, to be parents to half grown, precious big boys who are

WORTHY

OF

LOVE

&