a post you may find weird unless you are a mom

Laying in bed tonight,  I was caught up with a thought.  It started out as just a thought and then God started to wrap up my mind in this realization.  I had to drag myself out of my warm bed, downstairs to write about this.  (because seriously by morning, who knows where my mind will have wandered-)

As we have been processing the loss of M and D, we have started wrestling with the idea of what is next?  We still feel wholly called to adopt.  We still feel committed to care for orphans.  More than that we now know that we are capable of loving children that aren't ours exactly as much as we care for our own. 

So even in our grieving process, we have chosen to complete our paperwork as far as we can, and move forward knowing that God does have good things planned for us.  So, of course we have asked each other, ourselves, and God, over and over... should we host again?  And as gut-wrenching as it is to imagine putting ourselves out there again... we have tossed around the idea.  I have found myself glancing over a few hosting organizations photo listings. 

And

it is so hard.

This is what I was talking to God about in bed tonight, that stirred something up in me.  I was just thinking how impossible it is to look at these pictures and feel something for these kids like what I felt towards M & D.             When I think about what M looks like in my mind, I do not see his face, well, I see his face, but what I see stronger and clearer than his facial features is

the way I feel about him reflecting back at me. 

If you could see D in my mind, you would not see him the way he actually looks. Not just a list of facial features or a snapshot.  I really think as a mom our kids look different to us than what they really look like.  We see our pure love for them when we look at them. 

As I was realizing all these things, it hit me that, once upon a time, M & D were nothing more (to me)than a solitary picture on my computer screen.  I saved their picture to my desk top.  M in batman shirt and D with his half smile and they looked like decently cute but very ordinary elementary school age boys.  That is all they were to me.  A single picture and there was no love reflecting off of anyone. 

NOW, when I picture them, I think about sitting on the couch and looking over at a face that is glowing with love, my own love for them, reflecting back at me.  The little face is singing me a song in Ukrainian, or asking demanding bananas from me, or quivering sharing some sad part of his past, or even calling me a liar for an inaccurate minute count until Papa came home.  It didn't matter what they were doing or saying, they were glowing. . . is that weird?

This is silly, but it is just hitting me now... this is true even with my 1 year old.  So many times, I have been overwhelmed with her cuteness and just HAD to take a picture because like... umm .. look at her she is just absolutely stunningly adorable right now, this is so precious and awesome I must capture this moment with a photo!  CLicK-  Yes, let me upload this for all to sit and stare at her for a while because she is just so stinkin' cute!  In fact, babygap may just be calling me if they stumble upon my fb page.  Those baby models got nothing on her!  And then...I  look at the picture... whaaat???  Is that peanut butter crusted on her booger face and is she snarling? yikes and does she really have a mullet?  ooooooohhh maybe I won't upload this one today... 

hhahah!

blinded by my love!

This is for real!  In a parent's real love for their child, it does not matter what their child actually looks like, the parent is seeing an image of real true love when they look at their child.  As I am looking through the photolistings I am thinking, man, M & D must just be stunningly beautiful. . . but when I pulled up their old photo listing picture I realized in reality they were just 2 boys!  It was my love that was making them look beautiful to me. 



In the stillness of my head I heard the father saying

-that is how I see you.  When I look at you I do not see who you actually are, I see the depth of the love that I have for you and it is beautiful.-


                   So that is why God could love us all so passionately and persistently and sacrificially.  He sees us through absolutely different lenses than we see ourselves, or others see us.  The best part is, my love is flawed and human and yet I can experience this powerful unexplainable truth in my love for my kids. 

Just try to step back and imagine looking through His lenses.  Oh, how he must love us!  To give what he gave for us.  I am so thankful he sees me like a parent sees their child.  but so much better because his love is exponentially deeper.