What to say on this blog anymore?  We lost our boys.  They are gone.  It hurts.  It is over.  Is my blogging about it over?  Am I just complaining if I continue the mental lingering here on my blog?  Maybe. 

Maybe I should stop. 

Maybe I should change the title of my blog and keep on talking ... about other things? 

Not today. Not yet.

The last few weeks have been overwhelming.  I have been overwhelmed with emotions as the finality of our journey with M & D sets in.  The first time we sent them back on the long trip back to Ukraine I was wrought over the fact that I may never hear their voices again.. now, it has actually happened, their voices are gone from my life.  That is so final. And it sucks.  Even when they were in Ukraine we would Skype and keep in touch and we could hear their voices and see their faces.  They are such precious kids. 

God is good.  He has good things planned for us.  His character is trustworthy and true and faithful.

I am struggling.  I struggle with the why? Why, when we were in pursuit of his plans for us, did we end up here?  Hurting?   I boxed up all their clothes and things for the attic this week.  You realize how deeply you love someone when you are packing their things into a box to be stored away for ever.  That was no fun. 

God is compassionate.  He is close to the brokenhearted.  He binds up our wounds.  He is gentle.


I want to know so much.  What is the plan now?  Do we host again?  Adopt?  Do nothing for now?

God speaks.  He is not distant.  He desires relationship and communication, he guides those who seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. 
My mind is foggy.

And that is how I feel. .... really... Looking back on the last 8 years... I can see how God has used some severe life circumstances to make me stronger (in Him), and taught me so much.  I can see how the nearly drowning experiences of life taught me that I can not do any of this on my own, and that walking on water is not possible apart from holding Jesus hand.  I learned that when you almost drown, you appreciate life more.  When you lose something precious, you appreciate the other precious things you have left a lot more.  You also learn to let all of it go.  Because you realize that this is a fight for control that you simply can not win.  I can not control my life.  I will not try. 

I saw a sign today.  I almost laughed.  Yes.  This.  This is how I feel.

It read:

Dear "Whatever Doesn't Kill You",

Thank you, but I am strong enough now.


HA!

This is me this week!   I have been trying to get that message to God... Thank you for choosing to grow me, but that is enough for now.  Give me a year off or something. 

The reality is though, in the midst of all my trials and struggles, I do realize that He is setting me free.  He came to proclaim freedom for this captive.  Me.  He came so that I could have life and have it abundant.  Now.  He has let my prison cell be rattled until I have had enough of prisoner life and have chosen to step out towards Him and live in freedom.

Humble yourself before the Lord and He WILL lift you up.  (James 4)

Good promise.  He will.

My mind is foggy with sadness and pain and the concern that I am not going to "get it right" as we move forward seeking what our next steps are.  But I am not going back to that prison cell of trying to control my own life.  My mind is foggy, but it is "free-er" now than it was last year.  I can recognize the hand of the enemy when he attempts so subtly to lead me back to my prison.  I will not live there.  Not when I know freedom is so good.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.    (prov 3)