There
is no place place where his love can’t reach. There’s no place where we can’t
find peace. There’s no end to amazing
grace.
I am so thankful for the peace of God. The peace that passes understanding. It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways.
(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)
I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again. I get it, that some people do not get it. I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right? Ok, these are human beings! You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent. I may not have gotten it before, either. So I am not bashing those people. When do you become a family? When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet. When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then.
So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children. It is so.. awkward. It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love. I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy. I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on. I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter. I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him. I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again. (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)
This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace. It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ. The knowledge that I am never going to lose him. The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him. And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me. The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another. The power that comes through being friends with Jesus. Real friends, like talking everyday friends. This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them. And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not.
That is just the way this life is. It is hard. There is so much at stake when you love people deeply. But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.
It is going to be worth it. It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it. I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason.
Why the heck would we do this? Why the heck would we put ourselves out there? Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love? To state it simply… it was never about us. It was always about them. It was always about loving the way Jesus loves. Loving unselfishly. Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever. I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day. I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me. He knows that. But, it is not about me. It was always about Max and Denys. It was about helping them understand the love of a family. It was about showing them the love of Jesus. It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it. It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now. It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us. It was about healing for them. It was about having fun with them! Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun. It was all out of real love for them. It was all love.
Love is so raw. So real. So fragile. It makes you so vulnerable. Uhh yea, super vulnerable. And that sucks.
We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days. They are being adopted by another family. We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back. But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain. Seriously, I am an emotional person. When I hurt, it freaking hurts. This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch. This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness. This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness. This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.
But there is underlying peace.
This is God’s will for me.
There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life. Like when they say build your life on Jesus. Yea really, you can do that. If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose. Love, Joy, Peace. Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus. And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE. It is crazy. Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.
When we are weak than we are strong. Humbleness. Brokenness. Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning.
I am so thankful for the peace of God. The peace that passes understanding. It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways.
(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)
I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again. I get it, that some people do not get it. I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right? Ok, these are human beings! You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent. I may not have gotten it before, either. So I am not bashing those people. When do you become a family? When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet. When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then.
So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children. It is so.. awkward. It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love. I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy. I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on. I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter. I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him. I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again. (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)
This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace. It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ. The knowledge that I am never going to lose him. The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him. And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me. The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another. The power that comes through being friends with Jesus. Real friends, like talking everyday friends. This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them. And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not.
That is just the way this life is. It is hard. There is so much at stake when you love people deeply. But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.
It is going to be worth it. It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it. I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason.
Why the heck would we do this? Why the heck would we put ourselves out there? Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love? To state it simply… it was never about us. It was always about them. It was always about loving the way Jesus loves. Loving unselfishly. Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever. I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day. I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me. He knows that. But, it is not about me. It was always about Max and Denys. It was about helping them understand the love of a family. It was about showing them the love of Jesus. It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it. It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now. It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us. It was about healing for them. It was about having fun with them! Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun. It was all out of real love for them. It was all love.
Love is so raw. So real. So fragile. It makes you so vulnerable. Uhh yea, super vulnerable. And that sucks.
We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days. They are being adopted by another family. We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back. But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain. Seriously, I am an emotional person. When I hurt, it freaking hurts. This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch. This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness. This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness. This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.
But there is underlying peace.
This is God’s will for me.
There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life. Like when they say build your life on Jesus. Yea really, you can do that. If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose. Love, Joy, Peace. Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus. And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE. It is crazy. Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.
When we are weak than we are strong. Humbleness. Brokenness. Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning.
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