What to say on this blog anymore?  We lost our boys.  They are gone.  It hurts.  It is over.  Is my blogging about it over?  Am I just complaining if I continue the mental lingering here on my blog?  Maybe. 

Maybe I should stop. 

Maybe I should change the title of my blog and keep on talking ... about other things? 

Not today. Not yet.

The last few weeks have been overwhelming.  I have been overwhelmed with emotions as the finality of our journey with M & D sets in.  The first time we sent them back on the long trip back to Ukraine I was wrought over the fact that I may never hear their voices again.. now, it has actually happened, their voices are gone from my life.  That is so final. And it sucks.  Even when they were in Ukraine we would Skype and keep in touch and we could hear their voices and see their faces.  They are such precious kids. 

God is good.  He has good things planned for us.  His character is trustworthy and true and faithful.

I am struggling.  I struggle with the why? Why, when we were in pursuit of his plans for us, did we end up here?  Hurting?   I boxed up all their clothes and things for the attic this week.  You realize how deeply you love someone when you are packing their things into a box to be stored away for ever.  That was no fun. 

God is compassionate.  He is close to the brokenhearted.  He binds up our wounds.  He is gentle.


I want to know so much.  What is the plan now?  Do we host again?  Adopt?  Do nothing for now?

God speaks.  He is not distant.  He desires relationship and communication, he guides those who seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. 
My mind is foggy.

And that is how I feel. .... really... Looking back on the last 8 years... I can see how God has used some severe life circumstances to make me stronger (in Him), and taught me so much.  I can see how the nearly drowning experiences of life taught me that I can not do any of this on my own, and that walking on water is not possible apart from holding Jesus hand.  I learned that when you almost drown, you appreciate life more.  When you lose something precious, you appreciate the other precious things you have left a lot more.  You also learn to let all of it go.  Because you realize that this is a fight for control that you simply can not win.  I can not control my life.  I will not try. 

I saw a sign today.  I almost laughed.  Yes.  This.  This is how I feel.

It read:

Dear "Whatever Doesn't Kill You",

Thank you, but I am strong enough now.


HA!

This is me this week!   I have been trying to get that message to God... Thank you for choosing to grow me, but that is enough for now.  Give me a year off or something. 

The reality is though, in the midst of all my trials and struggles, I do realize that He is setting me free.  He came to proclaim freedom for this captive.  Me.  He came so that I could have life and have it abundant.  Now.  He has let my prison cell be rattled until I have had enough of prisoner life and have chosen to step out towards Him and live in freedom.

Humble yourself before the Lord and He WILL lift you up.  (James 4)

Good promise.  He will.

My mind is foggy with sadness and pain and the concern that I am not going to "get it right" as we move forward seeking what our next steps are.  But I am not going back to that prison cell of trying to control my own life.  My mind is foggy, but it is "free-er" now than it was last year.  I can recognize the hand of the enemy when he attempts so subtly to lead me back to my prison.  I will not live there.  Not when I know freedom is so good.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.    (prov 3)

a post you may find weird unless you are a mom

Laying in bed tonight,  I was caught up with a thought.  It started out as just a thought and then God started to wrap up my mind in this realization.  I had to drag myself out of my warm bed, downstairs to write about this.  (because seriously by morning, who knows where my mind will have wandered-)

As we have been processing the loss of M and D, we have started wrestling with the idea of what is next?  We still feel wholly called to adopt.  We still feel committed to care for orphans.  More than that we now know that we are capable of loving children that aren't ours exactly as much as we care for our own. 

So even in our grieving process, we have chosen to complete our paperwork as far as we can, and move forward knowing that God does have good things planned for us.  So, of course we have asked each other, ourselves, and God, over and over... should we host again?  And as gut-wrenching as it is to imagine putting ourselves out there again... we have tossed around the idea.  I have found myself glancing over a few hosting organizations photo listings. 

And

it is so hard.

This is what I was talking to God about in bed tonight, that stirred something up in me.  I was just thinking how impossible it is to look at these pictures and feel something for these kids like what I felt towards M & D.             When I think about what M looks like in my mind, I do not see his face, well, I see his face, but what I see stronger and clearer than his facial features is

the way I feel about him reflecting back at me. 

If you could see D in my mind, you would not see him the way he actually looks. Not just a list of facial features or a snapshot.  I really think as a mom our kids look different to us than what they really look like.  We see our pure love for them when we look at them. 

As I was realizing all these things, it hit me that, once upon a time, M & D were nothing more (to me)than a solitary picture on my computer screen.  I saved their picture to my desk top.  M in batman shirt and D with his half smile and they looked like decently cute but very ordinary elementary school age boys.  That is all they were to me.  A single picture and there was no love reflecting off of anyone. 

NOW, when I picture them, I think about sitting on the couch and looking over at a face that is glowing with love, my own love for them, reflecting back at me.  The little face is singing me a song in Ukrainian, or asking demanding bananas from me, or quivering sharing some sad part of his past, or even calling me a liar for an inaccurate minute count until Papa came home.  It didn't matter what they were doing or saying, they were glowing. . . is that weird?

This is silly, but it is just hitting me now... this is true even with my 1 year old.  So many times, I have been overwhelmed with her cuteness and just HAD to take a picture because like... umm .. look at her she is just absolutely stunningly adorable right now, this is so precious and awesome I must capture this moment with a photo!  CLicK-  Yes, let me upload this for all to sit and stare at her for a while because she is just so stinkin' cute!  In fact, babygap may just be calling me if they stumble upon my fb page.  Those baby models got nothing on her!  And then...I  look at the picture... whaaat???  Is that peanut butter crusted on her booger face and is she snarling? yikes and does she really have a mullet?  ooooooohhh maybe I won't upload this one today... 

hhahah!

blinded by my love!

This is for real!  In a parent's real love for their child, it does not matter what their child actually looks like, the parent is seeing an image of real true love when they look at their child.  As I am looking through the photolistings I am thinking, man, M & D must just be stunningly beautiful. . . but when I pulled up their old photo listing picture I realized in reality they were just 2 boys!  It was my love that was making them look beautiful to me. 



In the stillness of my head I heard the father saying

-that is how I see you.  When I look at you I do not see who you actually are, I see the depth of the love that I have for you and it is beautiful.-


                   So that is why God could love us all so passionately and persistently and sacrificially.  He sees us through absolutely different lenses than we see ourselves, or others see us.  The best part is, my love is flawed and human and yet I can experience this powerful unexplainable truth in my love for my kids. 

Just try to step back and imagine looking through His lenses.  Oh, how he must love us!  To give what he gave for us.  I am so thankful he sees me like a parent sees their child.  but so much better because his love is exponentially deeper.