I am kind of overwhelmed with this song.
It is so good.  I believe that He still heals.  Because I have experienced it in the past.  And I am in the midst of it again.  It is not where I want to be.

Let me be real.  I want to be planning a future with ALL of my family.  I want to be rejoicing as paperwork is completed and funds are coming in,... I want to be receiving an appointment from the SDA, and booking tickets and saying Yippee all along the way.  I want to walk away from the orphanage holding hands with two sweet boys who already have taken up home in my heart and hop on a plane and bring them home for good.

But,

I believe my God is faithful. 

Every tear is caught up by Him.

He still hears, He still comes, He still speaks, He still heals. 

We can count on Him. 

 He holds my life secure.  Every single thing is subject to Him.

Loss and Peace

There is no place place where his love can’t reach. There’s no place where we can’t find peace.  There’s no end to amazing grace.

I am so thankful for the peace of God.  The peace that passes understanding.  It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways. 

(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)

I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again.  I get it, that some people do not get it.  I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right?  Ok, these are human beings!  You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent.  I may not have gotten it before, either.  So I am not bashing those people.  When do you become a family?  When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet.  When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then. 

So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children.  It is so.. awkward.  It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love.  I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy.  I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on.  I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter.  I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him.  I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again.  (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)

This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace.  It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ.  The knowledge that I am never going to lose him.  The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him.  And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me.  The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another.  The power that comes through being friends with Jesus.  Real friends, like talking everyday friends.  This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them.  And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not. 


That is just the way this life is. It is hard.  There is so much at stake when you love people deeply.  But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.

It is going to be worth it.  It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it.  I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason. 


Why the heck would we do this?  Why the heck would we put ourselves out there?  Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love?  To state it simply… it was never about us.  It was always about them.  It was always about loving the way Jesus loves.  Loving unselfishly.  Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever.  I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day.  I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me.  He knows that.  But, it is not about me.  It was always about Max and Denys.  It was about helping them understand the love of a family.  It was about showing them the love of Jesus.  It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it.  It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now.  It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us.  It was about healing for them.  It was about having fun with them!  Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun.   It was all out of real love for them.  It was all love. 

Love is so raw.  So real.  So fragile.  It makes you so vulnerable.  Uhh yea, super vulnerable.  And that sucks. 

We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days.  They are being adopted by another family.  We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back.  But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain.  Seriously, I am an emotional person.  When I hurt, it freaking hurts.  This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch.  This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness.  This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness.  This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.

But there is underlying peace. 

This is God’s will for me. 

There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life.  Like when they say build your life on Jesus.  Yea really, you can do that.  If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose.  Love, Joy, Peace.  Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus.  And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE.  It is crazy.  Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.

When we are weak than we are strong.  Humbleness.  Brokenness.  Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning. 

Extremely Rough Seas

 

This week was rough.  We are really spinning in a whirlwind of emotions.  Helplessness, desperation, fear, loss, mostly just utter chaos.

((Insert big ol' sad face.))

What's that I said? Insert sad owl face?  ok.

 

........

I am weird, I know

.......

so-


We got a call from someone at the beginning of the week letting us know that there is an Italian family trying to adopt M & D right now.  They are already there, in country.  Panic.  We know a few families who were also in this same situation, and lost children that were already theirs in their hearts to another family.  How hard.

How surreal.

It is NOT what you expect to happen when you chose to love an orphan.  When you have already decided to make them your family.  When you have developed a powerful bond with them.  You do not expect them to get whisked away by another family before you finish all your paperwork. 

The situation has grown more complicated as we have communicated with the boys and they have expressed to us that they do not want to go with this family.  They have been very clear.  No, they do not want to go with the Italians, they want to wait for us.  We skyped 2 days in a row with a translator, and on the second day we skyped a full hour after the translator left.  What a blessing.  Despite these chaotic times, I am still absolutely happy to see my boys.  I love their smiles and their funny little broken English things they say on Skype.  I ask them what they had for dinner..."uhhhh (shrug) uhhh soup."  I say what kind?  Chicken soup?  Jaba (frog) soup?  Keeshka (cat) soup?  They laugh and say "no mama, mouse soup!" bahahahah!  I love them.  When it was time to get off of Skype they were asking me not to go, and kissing the screen.  Their eyes are pleading for help out of this difficult situation.

We are praying that GOD would move a mountain. 

We are remembering that we are always this helpless.  We are always this powerless.  We are so. little.  But God is so big.  He is still the God who promises, and fulfills his word.  He is still faithful. He is still strong. And he still loves M & D so fully.  He sees our pain, and he hears their fears.  He is in control. 


When Sean and I started our journey, we decided this song was going to be our theme song for the "trusting-God-part" of our adoption.

I can't listen to it this week without crying, but He surely is "leading me to where my trust is without borders"   The painful part of reality, I am learning, is it takes some deep brokenness to get there.

 

 

Worth, sacrifice & birth.

The Lord has put something on my heart recently that I am struggling through.  .

The scenario goes like this... A friend asks me if I really am prepared to do what it takes to adopt from Ukraine.  What it takes is ... unknown really... but yes, it is going to take a lot.  The list includes:  money, time in country, and forever a life that is changed.  Two more human beings to love and care for ev.er.y.day.  Therapy- probably, heartache- for sure, sleepless nights - already got 'em.  And then there are the sacrifices.  It is pretty certain that a Disney World trip will not be in our future.  Or any vacations that require air travel.  We will always be overloaded on laundry, and it is likely I will never get to step foot out of the kitchen again...

Just kidding-

But when I look into the eyes of 2 boys that I know in my heart are already my sons, all I can think is... immeasurably... M and D:

 

There is an attitude in attitude that has become clear to me.   It has been said to me multiple times. "But what about your kids. They need you."  One day J, E, or K may read this.  (it'll be a while...)  But, J, K,& E I have a message for you too:



I have a tradition every night when tucking the littles into bed.  It started with a book we read, and now we have given it a little twist.  Each night I tell the kids what I love them to (and back), and they tell me what they love me to (and back :) )  For example:   I love you to every jellybean in the candy factory and back, or I love you to every caterpillar in the world and back, or I love you to every freckle on your face and back!

I love the children God has given to me, and that will never ever change.  They have been loved from day 1 of their lives.  I am not discontented with the family I have right now. 

However, I am discontented with the fact that 2 precious "sons" of mine are not getting tucked in, & told how much they are loved by their mama tonight.  They are not being loved to the moon and back by any body.  They are missing out on precious time that could be spent in a family. 

They are children. 

They deserve a childhood. 

The whole purpose of  childhood is to enjoy your family and enjoy carefree life.  I desperately want to ransom them and buy back their chance at childhood.
If J, E, or K, were somehow snatched up, and taken to a Ukrainian orphanage and I was told I had to do monstrous amounts of paperwork, wait a painful amount of time, pay seemingly insurmountable amounts of money, and travel across the ocean to pay their ransom, and get my children back, I would do it.  Would you?  Yea.  Because your kids are worth it.  And the amazing thing is... there just may be some kids residing in an orphanage somewhere that are "your kids" in the heart of the Father.  I truly believe the father looked on us, looked on them, and matched us up, chose us to be their family, and them to be our children.  Very similarly to the way natural children and born into families.  Our boys were born into ours.  Just a wee bit bigger. :)