Loss and Peace

There is no place place where his love can’t reach. There’s no place where we can’t find peace.  There’s no end to amazing grace.

I am so thankful for the peace of God.  The peace that passes understanding.  It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways. 

(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)

I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again.  I get it, that some people do not get it.  I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right?  Ok, these are human beings!  You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent.  I may not have gotten it before, either.  So I am not bashing those people.  When do you become a family?  When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet.  When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then. 

So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children.  It is so.. awkward.  It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love.  I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy.  I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on.  I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter.  I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him.  I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again.  (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)

This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace.  It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ.  The knowledge that I am never going to lose him.  The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him.  And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me.  The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another.  The power that comes through being friends with Jesus.  Real friends, like talking everyday friends.  This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them.  And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not. 


That is just the way this life is. It is hard.  There is so much at stake when you love people deeply.  But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.

It is going to be worth it.  It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it.  I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason. 


Why the heck would we do this?  Why the heck would we put ourselves out there?  Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love?  To state it simply… it was never about us.  It was always about them.  It was always about loving the way Jesus loves.  Loving unselfishly.  Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever.  I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day.  I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me.  He knows that.  But, it is not about me.  It was always about Max and Denys.  It was about helping them understand the love of a family.  It was about showing them the love of Jesus.  It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it.  It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now.  It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us.  It was about healing for them.  It was about having fun with them!  Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun.   It was all out of real love for them.  It was all love. 

Love is so raw.  So real.  So fragile.  It makes you so vulnerable.  Uhh yea, super vulnerable.  And that sucks. 

We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days.  They are being adopted by another family.  We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back.  But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain.  Seriously, I am an emotional person.  When I hurt, it freaking hurts.  This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch.  This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness.  This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness.  This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.

But there is underlying peace. 

This is God’s will for me. 

There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life.  Like when they say build your life on Jesus.  Yea really, you can do that.  If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose.  Love, Joy, Peace.  Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus.  And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE.  It is crazy.  Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.

When we are weak than we are strong.  Humbleness.  Brokenness.  Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning. 

Extremely Rough Seas

 

This week was rough.  We are really spinning in a whirlwind of emotions.  Helplessness, desperation, fear, loss, mostly just utter chaos.

((Insert big ol' sad face.))

What's that I said? Insert sad owl face?  ok.

 

........

I am weird, I know

.......

so-


We got a call from someone at the beginning of the week letting us know that there is an Italian family trying to adopt M & D right now.  They are already there, in country.  Panic.  We know a few families who were also in this same situation, and lost children that were already theirs in their hearts to another family.  How hard.

How surreal.

It is NOT what you expect to happen when you chose to love an orphan.  When you have already decided to make them your family.  When you have developed a powerful bond with them.  You do not expect them to get whisked away by another family before you finish all your paperwork. 

The situation has grown more complicated as we have communicated with the boys and they have expressed to us that they do not want to go with this family.  They have been very clear.  No, they do not want to go with the Italians, they want to wait for us.  We skyped 2 days in a row with a translator, and on the second day we skyped a full hour after the translator left.  What a blessing.  Despite these chaotic times, I am still absolutely happy to see my boys.  I love their smiles and their funny little broken English things they say on Skype.  I ask them what they had for dinner..."uhhhh (shrug) uhhh soup."  I say what kind?  Chicken soup?  Jaba (frog) soup?  Keeshka (cat) soup?  They laugh and say "no mama, mouse soup!" bahahahah!  I love them.  When it was time to get off of Skype they were asking me not to go, and kissing the screen.  Their eyes are pleading for help out of this difficult situation.

We are praying that GOD would move a mountain. 

We are remembering that we are always this helpless.  We are always this powerless.  We are so. little.  But God is so big.  He is still the God who promises, and fulfills his word.  He is still faithful. He is still strong. And he still loves M & D so fully.  He sees our pain, and he hears their fears.  He is in control. 


When Sean and I started our journey, we decided this song was going to be our theme song for the "trusting-God-part" of our adoption.

I can't listen to it this week without crying, but He surely is "leading me to where my trust is without borders"   The painful part of reality, I am learning, is it takes some deep brokenness to get there.

 

 

Worth, sacrifice & birth.

The Lord has put something on my heart recently that I am struggling through.  .

The scenario goes like this... A friend asks me if I really am prepared to do what it takes to adopt from Ukraine.  What it takes is ... unknown really... but yes, it is going to take a lot.  The list includes:  money, time in country, and forever a life that is changed.  Two more human beings to love and care for ev.er.y.day.  Therapy- probably, heartache- for sure, sleepless nights - already got 'em.  And then there are the sacrifices.  It is pretty certain that a Disney World trip will not be in our future.  Or any vacations that require air travel.  We will always be overloaded on laundry, and it is likely I will never get to step foot out of the kitchen again...

Just kidding-

But when I look into the eyes of 2 boys that I know in my heart are already my sons, all I can think is... immeasurably... M and D:

 

There is an attitude in attitude that has become clear to me.   It has been said to me multiple times. "But what about your kids. They need you."  One day J, E, or K may read this.  (it'll be a while...)  But, J, K,& E I have a message for you too:



I have a tradition every night when tucking the littles into bed.  It started with a book we read, and now we have given it a little twist.  Each night I tell the kids what I love them to (and back), and they tell me what they love me to (and back :) )  For example:   I love you to every jellybean in the candy factory and back, or I love you to every caterpillar in the world and back, or I love you to every freckle on your face and back!

I love the children God has given to me, and that will never ever change.  They have been loved from day 1 of their lives.  I am not discontented with the family I have right now. 

However, I am discontented with the fact that 2 precious "sons" of mine are not getting tucked in, & told how much they are loved by their mama tonight.  They are not being loved to the moon and back by any body.  They are missing out on precious time that could be spent in a family. 

They are children. 

They deserve a childhood. 

The whole purpose of  childhood is to enjoy your family and enjoy carefree life.  I desperately want to ransom them and buy back their chance at childhood.
If J, E, or K, were somehow snatched up, and taken to a Ukrainian orphanage and I was told I had to do monstrous amounts of paperwork, wait a painful amount of time, pay seemingly insurmountable amounts of money, and travel across the ocean to pay their ransom, and get my children back, I would do it.  Would you?  Yea.  Because your kids are worth it.  And the amazing thing is... there just may be some kids residing in an orphanage somewhere that are "your kids" in the heart of the Father.  I truly believe the father looked on us, looked on them, and matched us up, chose us to be their family, and them to be our children.  Very similarly to the way natural children and born into families.  Our boys were born into ours.  Just a wee bit bigger. :)

The Post -

 

This is one of those posts that is going to take a while to write.  So as I start click- clacking away, knowing this is the kind of post that will take time to write, I ask that you not skim.


It is going to be long!


Either read it, or don't!  But no skimming!   This comes from the heart, it all needs to be said, and it is going to take a lot of emotional effort to write.... so phew.  Here we go. 



When we committed to hosting we were doing so out of obedience.  We were unsure, to say the least, about every aspect of this adventure.  We were unsure about the money, the space in our home, our ability to REALLY love strangers, and, lastly, and biggest, we were unsure about the boys.  I will never forget my first conversation with someone who knew the boys.  An encouraging host mom,turned adoptive mom, who had met the boys a year prior said to me
"oh, you are going to have fun... They are ALL boy."
 ( I sensed a trace amount of a warning in that comment!)

HA!


Soon we were on an adventure, learning to love strangers.
Little stranger boys who just happened to be orphans.



A while ago, like years ago, I remember telling the Lord that yea, I cared about orphans and that maybe even one day we could "do something" for the orphans.  Can I be completely honest with you?  I told him the type of orphans I wanted to care for. And, can I be really ugly transparent with you? YIKES  I told him the exact type I couldn't envision myself loving:

"(not those 10 year old Russian boys)"

I said that... to God. 


(I made it small text so maybe you skimmers would miss this part and I would get away with that embarrassing truth about the condition of my heart!)  Can you believe that He, through a whirlwind chain of events, brought little people that fit that mold exactly to my doorstep... No, not to my doorstep,    i  n  t  o    my home!

 

They busted into my home alright!  They really were all boy.  Lots of noise, lots of toy slinging, wrestling, and eating.  Oh, the, eating.  They ate as much as my family of 5 combined.  Seriously.  My grocery shopping load doubled.  Underneath all the noise and the eating I was seeing these little broken sweet boys shining through.  Big things were happening.  I do not know exactly what was happening with them.  They have their own stories to tell, I am sure!  But big things were happening with me.  God was stretching ME.  I thought I was doing this for them.  They were the ones in need after all, right??? 



I realized how much God loved me.  That when I was an orphan, he sought me out, and brought me into his family.  I really can relate to that now.  I appreciate that more, that He cared, when He did not have to.  Because orphans are no ones "responsibility".  He did not have to love me.  But He loved me anyway.  He did not have to walk beside me in my brokenness.  But he did anyway.  He did not have to give it all up in a beautiful picture of sacrifice for my personal healing, but he did that anyway.  
Awe-inspiring.
 

 

 

 

We were watching hearts soften before our very eyes.  We were witnessing the most beautiful thing. It was actually amazing.  From a boy who ate everything he could as fast as he could and would hide food in his pockets, to a boy who even turned down food a few times because it wasn't his preference at the moment.  From a boy who would lay stiff in his bed when being tucked in and face the wall when I told him I loved him and I would just kiss the back of his head, to a boy who kissed my cheek and said I love you every night, closed his eyes and smiled while I stroked his forehead and always called for me to come back after I left the room for "extra hugs mama?" each night. 

Oh wait, I forgot to mention... we were watching our OWN hearts soften.  Reality is, you cannot love sacrificially and purposefully and not be drastically changed.  Remember that ugly transparency above?  Yes, that same heart that thought 10 year old Russian orphans were beyond my limit and abilities is now racing toward 2 half grown, big boys from Ukraine.  My heart softened... guess that is where God wants me.

The Decision

This winter during hosting, the decision became very clear to us.  These boys were already ours. They were our sons.  After a few weeks of having them here in the summer we would have thought it would be crazy to adopt 2 more kids.  We now are both  to the point that we feel it is crazy NOT to adopt these boys!  They are our sons.  I can't describe it any other way.  They are our family.  Of course we will go after them and do all that it takes to bring them home!  My husband said something so simple when we started discussing adoption this winter.  I asked him what our plans were, what are we thinking?  He simply stated, "I am all in."  wow.  I had to let my jaw drop and really backtrack a bit and explain to him all that being "all in" included.  .  .  .  .  He just looked at me and said it again,

"Yea, I am all in." 

We are all in folks!

We are in this for the whole life encompassing FOREVER of family.


This is not a fairy-tale, and so everything is not perfect.  In our entirety we are all a picture of brokenness (and hopefully we will each become a unique story of healing for God's glory!)  So far, this is a story of God's faithfulness and provision.  He truly provided in SO many ways before and during our hosting.  It is a story of God's extreme love.  It is a story of walking by faith and not by sight.  It is a reminder of Jesus' story of going after the one lost sheep and rejoicing when that precious sheep is found.       

wanna read it?  it is good stuff:

                

10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. 14So it is not the will of myFather who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. 

 

We cannot wait for that rejoicing part!  Right now, we are, again, taking another step of obedience. This time we have the full assurance of faith in Him who will carry this work he has started to completion.  Because really, this is ALL about Him.  We are all in, because he has brought us here, changed us, grown us, and made this possible. 

We are more than happy, to be parents to half grown, precious big boys who are

WORTHY

OF

LOVE

&

Keira's 1st birthday present!

This little lady just turned 1!

 

 

She is pretty darn cute.

And seriously, we are all obsessed with her.

She is absolutely so much fun!  Even when she is naughty we kinda can't get over that little sneaky bugger always trying to climb the stairs, throwing her sippy cup, or drooling up some of her bros legos. 

<3

She got a pretty cool birthday present this year.

When we were convinced that we were meant to *try* to bring Max and Denys back for Christmas, God spoke something to my heart.  He said "It will be a birthday present."  I don't know if you have ever put yourself completely out there, well KNOWING that you had no capability to do something, but *trying* anyway. 

(I say *trying* because I knew that *we* were not the ones who were able.  We didn't need to *try* we just needed to obey

.    And let He who is *able* do whatever it is that He has planned.)

But, even knowing this... still...

yikes

3 weeks passed, and we were blown away with how God moved on peoples hearts to donate, and how awesomely generous people were and the gap was shrinking!  But, we were still a little less than $2,000 from bringing the boys back for Christmas with 4 days left.

Ok, I know you all will think I am a bit thick... but I honestly thought the birthday He was talking about was mine!  I thought it had to do with something else I've been talking about with Him.

(stop thinking I'm thick!  not nice!)

Anyway, on Keira's big day, in perfect timing, within a half hour, I kept getting notifications that donations were being made on our youcaring, we had a few donations come in the mail that day, and BAM,
we didn't have to *try*, we just needed to obey, and wait!

It was awesome.
because He is awesome.  And I am becoming more and more convinced that He does things in such a way as to show his awesomeness, and to leave us in absolute awe.

I shared the news with Ellia and she couldn't stop "Woot-Woot" ing! ha!  She raced to the bus stop and told the bus stop moms that "Max and Denys are coming for Christmas!" 

We told Jake when he got off the bus. And Sean when he came home.  Such a happy happy day!

Later that night, as I was walking down the stairs it hit me, I remembered his words I had tucked away from a few weeks earlier.  "It will be a birthday present."

I literally stopped halfway down the steps, as the realization hit me.  "Oh! wow!"

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEIRA!

It was a really happy day for all of us!

Depraved Indifference

I am determined to stop suffering from depraved indifference.

Powerful reminder for me.  The words God spoke to this man, are part of what he spoke to me.  (well, go figure - guess we do have the same God!) 

Some people will look at my circumstances and say, "you all don't have it together enough yet."  I am glad I am going on God's spoken words to me, and not on advice of family members, or friends.  Your points may be valid- we are not perfect, we are not wealthy, we have not arrived at some (unreal) false Christian idea of perfect pretty people.  We simply want to follow Christ and are struggling through it daily.  So, when God says go - we. will. go. 

When you tell me to get perfect and then go.  All I want to know is WHERE that is written in the bible?  I want to know what kid would rather have nothing because he is waiting on perfect? 

I am frustrated, friends.  & I have to stop and remember what The Truth has said.  And let everything else fall.  Honestly, Depraved Indifference is being obliterated in my life, the more I have come to understand my relationship to the person of the Holy Spirit.  The more He confides in me, the less I can get away with ignoring the father's heart and where he is leading us.

 

Intertwined

It has been a while since I have had the courage to blog about the boys!

It took a lot to say good bye to them.

And can you believe that they have nearly been gone for 2 months?

Sigh

Missing those little guys.

Tonight I was going through the junk drawer and I pulled a little brown notepad out to jot something down real quick.  I flipped it open, almost missing what was on the first page... Ukrainian writing. 

sigh
It was a list of names. 

It was precious.  & my heart was hurting.   Denys, Mama, Kira, Makc, Ela, Jakab, Papa, Babushka, Dedushka, (and 2 more I can't share).  My heart was pretty much bleeding....all over my freshly scrubbed kitchen counter... I wanted to give that boy a squeeze...  And he is just too far away. 

I loved how he intertwined our families names, It wasn't us & them, it was all mixed up together! 

Like a family. 

sigh.