What to say on this blog anymore?  We lost our boys.  They are gone.  It hurts.  It is over.  Is my blogging about it over?  Am I just complaining if I continue the mental lingering here on my blog?  Maybe. 

Maybe I should stop. 

Maybe I should change the title of my blog and keep on talking ... about other things? 

Not today. Not yet.

The last few weeks have been overwhelming.  I have been overwhelmed with emotions as the finality of our journey with M & D sets in.  The first time we sent them back on the long trip back to Ukraine I was wrought over the fact that I may never hear their voices again.. now, it has actually happened, their voices are gone from my life.  That is so final. And it sucks.  Even when they were in Ukraine we would Skype and keep in touch and we could hear their voices and see their faces.  They are such precious kids. 

God is good.  He has good things planned for us.  His character is trustworthy and true and faithful.

I am struggling.  I struggle with the why? Why, when we were in pursuit of his plans for us, did we end up here?  Hurting?   I boxed up all their clothes and things for the attic this week.  You realize how deeply you love someone when you are packing their things into a box to be stored away for ever.  That was no fun. 

God is compassionate.  He is close to the brokenhearted.  He binds up our wounds.  He is gentle.


I want to know so much.  What is the plan now?  Do we host again?  Adopt?  Do nothing for now?

God speaks.  He is not distant.  He desires relationship and communication, he guides those who seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. 
My mind is foggy.

And that is how I feel. .... really... Looking back on the last 8 years... I can see how God has used some severe life circumstances to make me stronger (in Him), and taught me so much.  I can see how the nearly drowning experiences of life taught me that I can not do any of this on my own, and that walking on water is not possible apart from holding Jesus hand.  I learned that when you almost drown, you appreciate life more.  When you lose something precious, you appreciate the other precious things you have left a lot more.  You also learn to let all of it go.  Because you realize that this is a fight for control that you simply can not win.  I can not control my life.  I will not try. 

I saw a sign today.  I almost laughed.  Yes.  This.  This is how I feel.

It read:

Dear "Whatever Doesn't Kill You",

Thank you, but I am strong enough now.


HA!

This is me this week!   I have been trying to get that message to God... Thank you for choosing to grow me, but that is enough for now.  Give me a year off or something. 

The reality is though, in the midst of all my trials and struggles, I do realize that He is setting me free.  He came to proclaim freedom for this captive.  Me.  He came so that I could have life and have it abundant.  Now.  He has let my prison cell be rattled until I have had enough of prisoner life and have chosen to step out towards Him and live in freedom.

Humble yourself before the Lord and He WILL lift you up.  (James 4)

Good promise.  He will.

My mind is foggy with sadness and pain and the concern that I am not going to "get it right" as we move forward seeking what our next steps are.  But I am not going back to that prison cell of trying to control my own life.  My mind is foggy, but it is "free-er" now than it was last year.  I can recognize the hand of the enemy when he attempts so subtly to lead me back to my prison.  I will not live there.  Not when I know freedom is so good.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.    (prov 3)

a post you may find weird unless you are a mom

Laying in bed tonight,  I was caught up with a thought.  It started out as just a thought and then God started to wrap up my mind in this realization.  I had to drag myself out of my warm bed, downstairs to write about this.  (because seriously by morning, who knows where my mind will have wandered-)

As we have been processing the loss of M and D, we have started wrestling with the idea of what is next?  We still feel wholly called to adopt.  We still feel committed to care for orphans.  More than that we now know that we are capable of loving children that aren't ours exactly as much as we care for our own. 

So even in our grieving process, we have chosen to complete our paperwork as far as we can, and move forward knowing that God does have good things planned for us.  So, of course we have asked each other, ourselves, and God, over and over... should we host again?  And as gut-wrenching as it is to imagine putting ourselves out there again... we have tossed around the idea.  I have found myself glancing over a few hosting organizations photo listings. 

And

it is so hard.

This is what I was talking to God about in bed tonight, that stirred something up in me.  I was just thinking how impossible it is to look at these pictures and feel something for these kids like what I felt towards M & D.             When I think about what M looks like in my mind, I do not see his face, well, I see his face, but what I see stronger and clearer than his facial features is

the way I feel about him reflecting back at me. 

If you could see D in my mind, you would not see him the way he actually looks. Not just a list of facial features or a snapshot.  I really think as a mom our kids look different to us than what they really look like.  We see our pure love for them when we look at them. 

As I was realizing all these things, it hit me that, once upon a time, M & D were nothing more (to me)than a solitary picture on my computer screen.  I saved their picture to my desk top.  M in batman shirt and D with his half smile and they looked like decently cute but very ordinary elementary school age boys.  That is all they were to me.  A single picture and there was no love reflecting off of anyone. 

NOW, when I picture them, I think about sitting on the couch and looking over at a face that is glowing with love, my own love for them, reflecting back at me.  The little face is singing me a song in Ukrainian, or asking demanding bananas from me, or quivering sharing some sad part of his past, or even calling me a liar for an inaccurate minute count until Papa came home.  It didn't matter what they were doing or saying, they were glowing. . . is that weird?

This is silly, but it is just hitting me now... this is true even with my 1 year old.  So many times, I have been overwhelmed with her cuteness and just HAD to take a picture because like... umm .. look at her she is just absolutely stunningly adorable right now, this is so precious and awesome I must capture this moment with a photo!  CLicK-  Yes, let me upload this for all to sit and stare at her for a while because she is just so stinkin' cute!  In fact, babygap may just be calling me if they stumble upon my fb page.  Those baby models got nothing on her!  And then...I  look at the picture... whaaat???  Is that peanut butter crusted on her booger face and is she snarling? yikes and does she really have a mullet?  ooooooohhh maybe I won't upload this one today... 

hhahah!

blinded by my love!

This is for real!  In a parent's real love for their child, it does not matter what their child actually looks like, the parent is seeing an image of real true love when they look at their child.  As I am looking through the photolistings I am thinking, man, M & D must just be stunningly beautiful. . . but when I pulled up their old photo listing picture I realized in reality they were just 2 boys!  It was my love that was making them look beautiful to me. 



In the stillness of my head I heard the father saying

-that is how I see you.  When I look at you I do not see who you actually are, I see the depth of the love that I have for you and it is beautiful.-


                   So that is why God could love us all so passionately and persistently and sacrificially.  He sees us through absolutely different lenses than we see ourselves, or others see us.  The best part is, my love is flawed and human and yet I can experience this powerful unexplainable truth in my love for my kids. 

Just try to step back and imagine looking through His lenses.  Oh, how he must love us!  To give what he gave for us.  I am so thankful he sees me like a parent sees their child.  but so much better because his love is exponentially deeper. 

I am kind of overwhelmed with this song.
It is so good.  I believe that He still heals.  Because I have experienced it in the past.  And I am in the midst of it again.  It is not where I want to be.

Let me be real.  I want to be planning a future with ALL of my family.  I want to be rejoicing as paperwork is completed and funds are coming in,... I want to be receiving an appointment from the SDA, and booking tickets and saying Yippee all along the way.  I want to walk away from the orphanage holding hands with two sweet boys who already have taken up home in my heart and hop on a plane and bring them home for good.

But,

I believe my God is faithful. 

Every tear is caught up by Him.

He still hears, He still comes, He still speaks, He still heals. 

We can count on Him. 

 He holds my life secure.  Every single thing is subject to Him.

Loss and Peace

There is no place place where his love can’t reach. There’s no place where we can’t find peace.  There’s no end to amazing grace.

I am so thankful for the peace of God.  The peace that passes understanding.  It is the peace that comes when I begin to learn that his ways truly are higher than my ways. 

(BEGIN to learn --- I am so still learning…)

I have been heartbroken this week at the thought of never seeing my boys again.  I get it, that some people do not get it.  I have been asked (already), well you can always adopt again right?  Ok, these are human beings!  You would think that would be insensitive to say to someone who’s dog was gone… Some people may not get it, because they have not ever been an adoptive parent.  I may not have gotten it before, either.  So I am not bashing those people.  When do you become a family?  When you choose to love a kid like your own, and you plan for your future with them, and you ask them if they want to be in your family and they say yes, but you do not have a paper in your hand… you are not legally a family yet.  When we committed to God to love these boys like our own, forever, and to do everything it takes to raise them to be happy and healthy and know the Lord, we feel that they became our family then. 

So, this week and a half has been like the slow process of losing 2 of my children.  It is so.. awkward.  It is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It is so emptying to imagine life without these 2 little guys that I truly love.  I want to see Max get his first soccer trophy.  I want to be on the sidelines, and see his smile when he looks over to see that we are still there cheering him on.  I want to take Denys rock climbing, because he asked to do that this winter.  I want to see him feeling proud of himself and feeling so strong, and experience with him the self confidence that would give him.  I want more than anything to tuck our boys into bed at night and have them ask for “extra hugs mama”, again.  (super-roll the “r” in “extrrrra”, because it doesn’t melt your heart as much without the rolled “r”!)

This slow awkward process of losing something so precious is painful. But there is peace.  It is not a peace based on ANYTHING other than the steady love of Christ.  The knowledge that I am never going to lose him.  The comfort of knowing that I can always cling to him.  And that even when I am not clinging to him, he is still holding me.  The power through knowing that all these things ARE working for good in some way or another.  The power that comes through being friends with Jesus.  Real friends, like talking everyday friends.  This peace comes from the realization that even if they were here every day forever, I couldn’t love them as much as He loves them.  And He still loves them that way, whether they are here, or not. 


That is just the way this life is. It is hard.  There is so much at stake when you love people deeply.  But God has called us to love eachother deeply, from the heart.

It is going to be worth it.  It might not feel worth it today, but it is going to be worth it.  I know that God wouldn’t call us to love for no reason. 


Why the heck would we do this?  Why the heck would we put ourselves out there?  Why the heck would we love kids that are so risky to love?  To state it simply… it was never about us.  It was always about them.  It was always about loving the way Jesus loves.  Loving unselfishly.  Though, I am not going to lie, I wanted selfishly to be a part of these sweet boys lives forever.  I wanted to read them bedtime stories every night until it wasn’t cool anymore and they forced me to stop, teach them to ride a bike, dance with them on their wedding day.  I wanted to do that, and I would have done that, if the Lord had allowed me.  He knows that.  But, it is not about me.  It was always about Max and Denys.  It was about helping them understand the love of a family.  It was about showing them the love of Jesus.  It was about seeing their brokenness and not ignoring it.  It was about listening to their stories of pain and trauma and putting our arms around them and telling them they were safe now.  It was about praying over them when they shared their scary nightmares with us.  It was about healing for them.  It was about having fun with them!  Just light-hearted, happiness, cracking up til it hurt, silly fun.   It was all out of real love for them.  It was all love. 

Love is so raw.  So real.  So fragile.  It makes you so vulnerable.  Uhh yea, super vulnerable.  And that sucks. 

We have gotten word that the boys leave the orphanage in a few days.  They are being adopted by another family.  We are floored with the loss of two children that we know we COULD HAVE loved forever and ever and never looked back.  But I am overwhelmed with the peace that God gives to us even in our pain.  Seriously, I am an emotional person.  When I hurt, it freaking hurts.  This is absolutely a gaping wound type of ooooooouch.  This is cant-look-at-legos-without-bawling brokenness.  This is every sad song is singing about my personal pain, gut wrenching sadness.  This is tight throat all day long, wishing I could do something, wishing I could just do something feelings.

But there is underlying peace. 

This is God’s will for me. 

There is peace because Jesus really is the foundation of my life.  Like when they say build your life on Jesus.  Yea really, you can do that.  If your life is built on Jesus, and he is the foundation of your life than there are some things you are never going to lose… no matter what you lose.  Love, Joy, Peace.  Even if it is all gone, stripped down to nothing, just the foundation left… I still have Jesus.  And in Him I still have Love, Joy, PEACE.  It is crazy.  Crazy kind of Him to be such a strong foundation.

When we are weak than we are strong.  Humbleness.  Brokenness.  Truly living for others, and not for myself. That is what I am learning. 

Extremely Rough Seas

 

This week was rough.  We are really spinning in a whirlwind of emotions.  Helplessness, desperation, fear, loss, mostly just utter chaos.

((Insert big ol' sad face.))

What's that I said? Insert sad owl face?  ok.

 

........

I am weird, I know

.......

so-


We got a call from someone at the beginning of the week letting us know that there is an Italian family trying to adopt M & D right now.  They are already there, in country.  Panic.  We know a few families who were also in this same situation, and lost children that were already theirs in their hearts to another family.  How hard.

How surreal.

It is NOT what you expect to happen when you chose to love an orphan.  When you have already decided to make them your family.  When you have developed a powerful bond with them.  You do not expect them to get whisked away by another family before you finish all your paperwork. 

The situation has grown more complicated as we have communicated with the boys and they have expressed to us that they do not want to go with this family.  They have been very clear.  No, they do not want to go with the Italians, they want to wait for us.  We skyped 2 days in a row with a translator, and on the second day we skyped a full hour after the translator left.  What a blessing.  Despite these chaotic times, I am still absolutely happy to see my boys.  I love their smiles and their funny little broken English things they say on Skype.  I ask them what they had for dinner..."uhhhh (shrug) uhhh soup."  I say what kind?  Chicken soup?  Jaba (frog) soup?  Keeshka (cat) soup?  They laugh and say "no mama, mouse soup!" bahahahah!  I love them.  When it was time to get off of Skype they were asking me not to go, and kissing the screen.  Their eyes are pleading for help out of this difficult situation.

We are praying that GOD would move a mountain. 

We are remembering that we are always this helpless.  We are always this powerless.  We are so. little.  But God is so big.  He is still the God who promises, and fulfills his word.  He is still faithful. He is still strong. And he still loves M & D so fully.  He sees our pain, and he hears their fears.  He is in control. 


When Sean and I started our journey, we decided this song was going to be our theme song for the "trusting-God-part" of our adoption.

I can't listen to it this week without crying, but He surely is "leading me to where my trust is without borders"   The painful part of reality, I am learning, is it takes some deep brokenness to get there.

 

 

Worth, sacrifice & birth.

The Lord has put something on my heart recently that I am struggling through.  .

The scenario goes like this... A friend asks me if I really am prepared to do what it takes to adopt from Ukraine.  What it takes is ... unknown really... but yes, it is going to take a lot.  The list includes:  money, time in country, and forever a life that is changed.  Two more human beings to love and care for ev.er.y.day.  Therapy- probably, heartache- for sure, sleepless nights - already got 'em.  And then there are the sacrifices.  It is pretty certain that a Disney World trip will not be in our future.  Or any vacations that require air travel.  We will always be overloaded on laundry, and it is likely I will never get to step foot out of the kitchen again...

Just kidding-

But when I look into the eyes of 2 boys that I know in my heart are already my sons, all I can think is... immeasurably... M and D:

 

There is an attitude in attitude that has become clear to me.   It has been said to me multiple times. "But what about your kids. They need you."  One day J, E, or K may read this.  (it'll be a while...)  But, J, K,& E I have a message for you too:



I have a tradition every night when tucking the littles into bed.  It started with a book we read, and now we have given it a little twist.  Each night I tell the kids what I love them to (and back), and they tell me what they love me to (and back :) )  For example:   I love you to every jellybean in the candy factory and back, or I love you to every caterpillar in the world and back, or I love you to every freckle on your face and back!

I love the children God has given to me, and that will never ever change.  They have been loved from day 1 of their lives.  I am not discontented with the family I have right now. 

However, I am discontented with the fact that 2 precious "sons" of mine are not getting tucked in, & told how much they are loved by their mama tonight.  They are not being loved to the moon and back by any body.  They are missing out on precious time that could be spent in a family. 

They are children. 

They deserve a childhood. 

The whole purpose of  childhood is to enjoy your family and enjoy carefree life.  I desperately want to ransom them and buy back their chance at childhood.
If J, E, or K, were somehow snatched up, and taken to a Ukrainian orphanage and I was told I had to do monstrous amounts of paperwork, wait a painful amount of time, pay seemingly insurmountable amounts of money, and travel across the ocean to pay their ransom, and get my children back, I would do it.  Would you?  Yea.  Because your kids are worth it.  And the amazing thing is... there just may be some kids residing in an orphanage somewhere that are "your kids" in the heart of the Father.  I truly believe the father looked on us, looked on them, and matched us up, chose us to be their family, and them to be our children.  Very similarly to the way natural children and born into families.  Our boys were born into ours.  Just a wee bit bigger. :)

The Post -

 

This is one of those posts that is going to take a while to write.  So as I start click- clacking away, knowing this is the kind of post that will take time to write, I ask that you not skim.


It is going to be long!


Either read it, or don't!  But no skimming!   This comes from the heart, it all needs to be said, and it is going to take a lot of emotional effort to write.... so phew.  Here we go. 



When we committed to hosting we were doing so out of obedience.  We were unsure, to say the least, about every aspect of this adventure.  We were unsure about the money, the space in our home, our ability to REALLY love strangers, and, lastly, and biggest, we were unsure about the boys.  I will never forget my first conversation with someone who knew the boys.  An encouraging host mom,turned adoptive mom, who had met the boys a year prior said to me
"oh, you are going to have fun... They are ALL boy."
 ( I sensed a trace amount of a warning in that comment!)

HA!


Soon we were on an adventure, learning to love strangers.
Little stranger boys who just happened to be orphans.



A while ago, like years ago, I remember telling the Lord that yea, I cared about orphans and that maybe even one day we could "do something" for the orphans.  Can I be completely honest with you?  I told him the type of orphans I wanted to care for. And, can I be really ugly transparent with you? YIKES  I told him the exact type I couldn't envision myself loving:

"(not those 10 year old Russian boys)"

I said that... to God. 


(I made it small text so maybe you skimmers would miss this part and I would get away with that embarrassing truth about the condition of my heart!)  Can you believe that He, through a whirlwind chain of events, brought little people that fit that mold exactly to my doorstep... No, not to my doorstep,    i  n  t  o    my home!

 

They busted into my home alright!  They really were all boy.  Lots of noise, lots of toy slinging, wrestling, and eating.  Oh, the, eating.  They ate as much as my family of 5 combined.  Seriously.  My grocery shopping load doubled.  Underneath all the noise and the eating I was seeing these little broken sweet boys shining through.  Big things were happening.  I do not know exactly what was happening with them.  They have their own stories to tell, I am sure!  But big things were happening with me.  God was stretching ME.  I thought I was doing this for them.  They were the ones in need after all, right??? 



I realized how much God loved me.  That when I was an orphan, he sought me out, and brought me into his family.  I really can relate to that now.  I appreciate that more, that He cared, when He did not have to.  Because orphans are no ones "responsibility".  He did not have to love me.  But He loved me anyway.  He did not have to walk beside me in my brokenness.  But he did anyway.  He did not have to give it all up in a beautiful picture of sacrifice for my personal healing, but he did that anyway.  
Awe-inspiring.
 

 

 

 

We were watching hearts soften before our very eyes.  We were witnessing the most beautiful thing. It was actually amazing.  From a boy who ate everything he could as fast as he could and would hide food in his pockets, to a boy who even turned down food a few times because it wasn't his preference at the moment.  From a boy who would lay stiff in his bed when being tucked in and face the wall when I told him I loved him and I would just kiss the back of his head, to a boy who kissed my cheek and said I love you every night, closed his eyes and smiled while I stroked his forehead and always called for me to come back after I left the room for "extra hugs mama?" each night. 

Oh wait, I forgot to mention... we were watching our OWN hearts soften.  Reality is, you cannot love sacrificially and purposefully and not be drastically changed.  Remember that ugly transparency above?  Yes, that same heart that thought 10 year old Russian orphans were beyond my limit and abilities is now racing toward 2 half grown, big boys from Ukraine.  My heart softened... guess that is where God wants me.

The Decision

This winter during hosting, the decision became very clear to us.  These boys were already ours. They were our sons.  After a few weeks of having them here in the summer we would have thought it would be crazy to adopt 2 more kids.  We now are both  to the point that we feel it is crazy NOT to adopt these boys!  They are our sons.  I can't describe it any other way.  They are our family.  Of course we will go after them and do all that it takes to bring them home!  My husband said something so simple when we started discussing adoption this winter.  I asked him what our plans were, what are we thinking?  He simply stated, "I am all in."  wow.  I had to let my jaw drop and really backtrack a bit and explain to him all that being "all in" included.  .  .  .  .  He just looked at me and said it again,

"Yea, I am all in." 

We are all in folks!

We are in this for the whole life encompassing FOREVER of family.


This is not a fairy-tale, and so everything is not perfect.  In our entirety we are all a picture of brokenness (and hopefully we will each become a unique story of healing for God's glory!)  So far, this is a story of God's faithfulness and provision.  He truly provided in SO many ways before and during our hosting.  It is a story of God's extreme love.  It is a story of walking by faith and not by sight.  It is a reminder of Jesus' story of going after the one lost sheep and rejoicing when that precious sheep is found.       

wanna read it?  it is good stuff:

                

10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. 14So it is not the will of myFather who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. 

 

We cannot wait for that rejoicing part!  Right now, we are, again, taking another step of obedience. This time we have the full assurance of faith in Him who will carry this work he has started to completion.  Because really, this is ALL about Him.  We are all in, because he has brought us here, changed us, grown us, and made this possible. 

We are more than happy, to be parents to half grown, precious big boys who are

WORTHY

OF

LOVE

&

Keira's 1st birthday present!

This little lady just turned 1!

 

 

She is pretty darn cute.

And seriously, we are all obsessed with her.

She is absolutely so much fun!  Even when she is naughty we kinda can't get over that little sneaky bugger always trying to climb the stairs, throwing her sippy cup, or drooling up some of her bros legos. 

<3

She got a pretty cool birthday present this year.

When we were convinced that we were meant to *try* to bring Max and Denys back for Christmas, God spoke something to my heart.  He said "It will be a birthday present."  I don't know if you have ever put yourself completely out there, well KNOWING that you had no capability to do something, but *trying* anyway. 

(I say *trying* because I knew that *we* were not the ones who were able.  We didn't need to *try* we just needed to obey

.    And let He who is *able* do whatever it is that He has planned.)

But, even knowing this... still...

yikes

3 weeks passed, and we were blown away with how God moved on peoples hearts to donate, and how awesomely generous people were and the gap was shrinking!  But, we were still a little less than $2,000 from bringing the boys back for Christmas with 4 days left.

Ok, I know you all will think I am a bit thick... but I honestly thought the birthday He was talking about was mine!  I thought it had to do with something else I've been talking about with Him.

(stop thinking I'm thick!  not nice!)

Anyway, on Keira's big day, in perfect timing, within a half hour, I kept getting notifications that donations were being made on our youcaring, we had a few donations come in the mail that day, and BAM,
we didn't have to *try*, we just needed to obey, and wait!

It was awesome.
because He is awesome.  And I am becoming more and more convinced that He does things in such a way as to show his awesomeness, and to leave us in absolute awe.

I shared the news with Ellia and she couldn't stop "Woot-Woot" ing! ha!  She raced to the bus stop and told the bus stop moms that "Max and Denys are coming for Christmas!" 

We told Jake when he got off the bus. And Sean when he came home.  Such a happy happy day!

Later that night, as I was walking down the stairs it hit me, I remembered his words I had tucked away from a few weeks earlier.  "It will be a birthday present."

I literally stopped halfway down the steps, as the realization hit me.  "Oh! wow!"

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEIRA!

It was a really happy day for all of us!

Depraved Indifference

I am determined to stop suffering from depraved indifference.

Powerful reminder for me.  The words God spoke to this man, are part of what he spoke to me.  (well, go figure - guess we do have the same God!) 

Some people will look at my circumstances and say, "you all don't have it together enough yet."  I am glad I am going on God's spoken words to me, and not on advice of family members, or friends.  Your points may be valid- we are not perfect, we are not wealthy, we have not arrived at some (unreal) false Christian idea of perfect pretty people.  We simply want to follow Christ and are struggling through it daily.  So, when God says go - we. will. go. 

When you tell me to get perfect and then go.  All I want to know is WHERE that is written in the bible?  I want to know what kid would rather have nothing because he is waiting on perfect? 

I am frustrated, friends.  & I have to stop and remember what The Truth has said.  And let everything else fall.  Honestly, Depraved Indifference is being obliterated in my life, the more I have come to understand my relationship to the person of the Holy Spirit.  The more He confides in me, the less I can get away with ignoring the father's heart and where he is leading us.

 

Intertwined

It has been a while since I have had the courage to blog about the boys!

It took a lot to say good bye to them.

And can you believe that they have nearly been gone for 2 months?

Sigh

Missing those little guys.

Tonight I was going through the junk drawer and I pulled a little brown notepad out to jot something down real quick.  I flipped it open, almost missing what was on the first page... Ukrainian writing. 

sigh
It was a list of names. 

It was precious.  & my heart was hurting.   Denys, Mama, Kira, Makc, Ela, Jakab, Papa, Babushka, Dedushka, (and 2 more I can't share).  My heart was pretty much bleeding....all over my freshly scrubbed kitchen counter... I wanted to give that boy a squeeze...  And he is just too far away. 

I loved how he intertwined our families names, It wasn't us & them, it was all mixed up together! 

Like a family. 

sigh.

He has a father

His name is the Lord -- rejoice before him.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing.
Ps. 68:4
Throughout this whole process it has been so amazing to see how much God clearly loves these boys.  From the beginning when he put the desire in my heart to host them he let me know how much he loves them.  Every time God provided a need, I was reminded wow- God loves these boys.  He is seeking them out. 

About half way through their time with us it hit me.  I am loving them and trying to make a difference in their lives.  I am playing with them and enjoying their company.  I am feeding them heaps and heaps of food 5 times a day and watching them grow physically... but their biggest need I am incapable of meeting.  They need the Lord!  I got to praying that day for a way to teach them about God.  The language barrier would make communicating the good news very confusing!  I wanted to be able to tell them that they were loved by God, they were wanted.  That God loved them so much and that he made a way for them to have a relationship with him- through belief in his son Jesus.  I wanted to tell them that Jesus loved them so much that he gave his whole life so that they could live.  (Can you imagine the charades I would have to perform to communicate all of this? haha I am pretty sure it wouldn't work out.)  So anyway I got online and started searching for Ukrainian churches in the area.  I thought man, a Ukrainian speaking VBS would be perfect!  I wish I could find one.  But, I couldn't.  All  I could find was a local Ukrainian catholic church.  I prayed about it, and left it at that.

The next morning, a friend of a friend who I really barely knew (though now we have become good friends), texted me.  I was blown away when I read her text.  She said, I don't know if you would be interested but my parents go to a Ukranian speaking church and they have a VBS next week!  umm, ok God, thank you for showing up!   The VBS was a 45 minute drive, but well worth it!

I am soo excited to share, that one night, after hearing the truth of God's love, Max trusted in Jesus!  Our charades conversation that night after VBS was so awesome.  He was soo happy.  And he told me "Max,.. Pray, ..God."  Beaming from ear to ear.  "Max, Pray, God -(points up).  God...(then swoops his hand down to his heart)  shooooom Max"   He was trying to show God is in his heart.  It was so cool.  That night he prayed before bed in Ukranian.  Really wish I knew what he was saying.  He was very proud of himself and happy.  I was able to explain to him that I also believed in God.  And he was like "Mama??!!"......"oooooh!"  hahaha

Good things. :) 

He once was fatherless. 

"Just like a drum, I can feel their hearts beating,
I know my God, won't let them be defeated,
Every child has a dream to belong and be loved."



My prayer for our boys is that God would not let them be defeated.

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him.

With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.
I am loving my husband extra lately.  He has been such an encouragement to me when I get overwhelmed.  Because, no, it is not always easy loving kids who come from such hard places.  Sean reminded me a few days ago that this is not meant to be fun but it is meant to be purposeful.  We are purposefully loving these boys.  No, loving them is not always fun.  There have been tears, tempers, & tantrums. (um, not just from them..) But yes, there is power from God to sustain us in our choice to walk with God, and love these boys.  There have been victories, hugs, cooking lessons, lots of laughter, forts made of sheets, connect 4 tournaments, storytimes before bed, & one little boy told this mama "I love you" tonight. 

Jeremiah 22:16
"He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well.  Is that not what it means to know me?" declares the Lord



 

The halfway mark

3 weeks ago

two brave little guys boarded a plane.  They were at least a little nervous, I am sure-  but I doubt they showed it.  3 weeks ago, they spent over 16 hours travelling to get to America so they could experience 2 things.  Family, and fun.

3 weeks ago

as we drove these little guys home from the airport they fell asleep- hard.  They slept like babies for the second half of the ride home.  And you know how it is when you sneak into your kids room at night to look at how precious they are sleeping... it was that moment of "aww look at them sleeping" that I could. not. help. but cry.

3 weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with the fact that these little guys had no one.  No mommy or daddy was missing them, or worrying over the fact that they were half way across the world.  No one was calling and seeing if they had made it safely, no one was wondering if they were scared, or had eaten a healthy meal in the last 24 hours.  No mommy, no daddy, no person, was worried about them.  No one.  They were alone.  It just felt so weird and unjust to look at these little babies sleeping in the back seat of my van, and realize these things.

3 weeks from now

Max and Denys will be driven back to that airport.  (Yes, I will probably have to be silent the whole time to keep from sobbing and making things that much harder.)  But, there is a good that has come of Max and Denys travelling over 16 hours, just to come to America and be a part of our family.

3 weeks from now

when they are being picked up by bus, or van, or the orphanage director, and shuffled back into their daily life as part of the crowd-  On that ride home - that day when no one is looking at their precious faces asleep in the back of the van-  On that day there is a mom who is loving them, worrying to death about them, praying for them, hoping they are not scared or sad, and missing them oh so deeply. 

3 weeks from now, Max and Denys will not be alone in this world-  They will never be alone in this world again.

So much can change in a couple days!  My last post was so positive, and I don't think todays post is going to be quite as optimistic. 

Today I called my husband crying hysterically.  I was in the midst of an emotional breakdown!  embarrassing. but true. 

These boys are priceless.  They are.  I love them.  Already.  They are full of joy and they are so interesting to experience and be around.  I am glad they are here.  I promise- I am.

And I have to remember that they are simply products of their screwed up environment.  They are not "bad".  Life has been bad to them.  They have spent a significant amount of their lives unloved by parents, in group care, and are untrained in "they ways of family life".  This can be very difficult.

Have you ever watched an episode of Supernanny where your jaw just hits the floor?  (I am glad there was no camera crew in my house today!!!)


The amazing thing about Max and Denys is that they respond really well to the talks we have with them after their timeouts.  The timeouts themselves can be ridiculously draining, because they will fight like mad for control during the timeout!  But afterwards I feel like we are making awesome progress from our little chats.  They say sorry, they do show remorse for their bad choices.  They do like us and do show the ability to love and bond with parental figures.  They answer our questions, and hug us afterward.  I do not think these boys have any bonding issues!  That is a plus!  I do think they need a loving, stable, structured and secure home for a period of time before they will trust enough to let go of control and realize they are safe. 

That they can listen and obey because we have their best interests in mind may not be a concept they can grasp yet. 

Pray that God will remind me to show His love, and not my own.  Because on my own, I will fail.  I promise.

cake time!

A whole week has gone by!

Ah!  I am exhausted!  But it is a good kind of exhausted.  The kind of exhausted you might feel after completing a marathon.  You worked your booty off and you finally crossed that finish line! (You deserve some cake, girl.  Go eat some cake) Each day is a mini- marathon around here these days, and the finish line is bedtime.

I love the feeling of tucking all 5 into bed, telling them I love them, knowing they are safe, fed, cozy and happy.  They have fun memories to think about while they drift off to sleep.  I feel like screaming "victory!" (and then devouring some CAKE) ;)

Just like a marathon, it hasn't been easy.  It has been a whole lot of work.  These boys come from hard places, and have some hard behaviors to break or emotions to work through.  But each mini victory is a sweet sweet joy! 

Today I took all 5 to bouncetown.  I was scared.  You know that feeling as a new mom when you are afraid to take your baby out for the first time on your own?  So much responsibility... and they are so unpredictable...  Every what if scenario is running through your head.  I felt like I had 2 newborn twins today and I was going out for the first time!  Add onto that my own kids- 2 preschoolers, and another baby- and I promise you, I was legitimately scared.  I am NOT supermom, supernanny, or superwoman. 

I was scared!

God gave me awesome peace though.  And we had an awesome time.  Up until today, I had to say the boys names over and over and over and over, (and over and over and over), before I would get a response.  It was time consuming... and... not fun.  Today, at bouncetown, every time I called their name, the first time, they turned and looked!  WHAT????  I kinda couldn't believe it.  AND, when I would point for them to get down, and give them the mom-eye, you know the one,

they . would . get . down .  !!!

Come on now and rejoice.  My buddies have accepted me as an authority!  They called me mama from the beginning, but today they actually acted like I was their mama. 


That is some good cake.

...worth it.

Welcome to America!

So, the boys are here!

If this post seem choppy it is because I am past exhausted and staying up a few more minutes because I really want to share a few updates and highlights with you friends!

Day 1:
Sean and I were super excited heading to the airport to pick them up.  We waited and waited outside of international customs and finally, we saw a group of way too warmly dressed adorable kids, emerging from the doorway!  Everybody started calling their kids names and moving forward and I ended up in the back of the crowd, so Max and Denys were kinda lost looking for a moment or two.  Sweet little faces looked so nervous and lots of blinking...
Sean said "call them" and I did... I felt awkward at that point.  But Max saw me first, and I held up my sign and smiled and he rushed to us and HUGGED us both so tight ... like both at the same time!  It was pretty neat how he did that.  I was definitely happy.  Great first introduction.  Max called Denys to come over, and Denys was more shy but Max told him to say hello.  (They said Hello in English and what is your name in English.)  I had all these Ukranian greeting memorized, but when it came down to the moment I forgot everything and started spewing English at them.  "Hi!"  "I am so glad you are here!" ugh... I am speaking English!  Woops! " Prive-et, prosihmo!"  "Choo-Do-Voo!"

 

 

The ride home was so entertaining.  Sean and I were like ..... in awe..... of their amazed expressions and reactions to things.  highlights -max wanted to play right away.  He had a little ball in his bag and wanted to play futbol!  (would have been more fun if it wasn't in a McDonalds parking lot but, hey... we made it work!)  First time using straws, and ketchup was a hit, and cold water to drink shocked them.  Their smiles were just so fun!  They are very expressive. I love it.
lowlights- Max puked on the ride home.  poor sweety.  Denys is a wanderer at heart it seems... no concept of the street, or waiting for us.  Stressed me OUT! 

Day 2:
The playground!!

It seemed it was their first time on swings!  It was awesome experiencing that!  They were VERY awkward at first... gripping, and slipping off the back.  They were stiff and were not pumping their legs at all. Instead just froggy legged, hanging on and LOVING being pushed.  They screamed with joy like girls and said "Mene Papa muoy muoy!"... something like  "My turn Papa!"  It was so hot out, Sean was a trooper.  What an awesome Daddy/Pappa.  Pushing 4 kids on the swings and laughing. I loved every second of it! 

Later, we took them to a family BBQ.  It was fun!  They got to play slip and slide... which they turned into the Max and Denys steal the hose and spray all the kids show.  POHANO boys!  (bad boys...)  Lol... they have soooo much energy, and are NOT shy like I assumed they would be.  It is hard to keep up with them, which we learned today for sure.  But they are worth the exhaustion and worth putting ourselves in a hard place.  God calls us to hard places... he doesn't usually call us to the couch.  ....
..............though, I am on the couch right now :/

Day 3:
Pet Store and New Shoes
Thanks to an awesome donor we got the boys some sneaks! They blazed through the store like wildfire, but... I think the cashier forgave us when we explained it was only day 3 in America.  :)  maybe she didn't...oh well .. there are plenty of shoe stores out there.
 
The pet store was ok, Max liked it more than Denys.  Denys wanted to bang the cages .. and wasn't lsitening too well.  sigh... Nakazan! (timeout)  kids will be kids! 

NaDoBranyeech!!!! (GOODNIGHT!)

Paralyzed vs. Action

Do you ever feel paralyzed?

Sometimes, as a person who truly believes that every child deserves a loving family, the numbers can be staggering, shocking, even paralyzing. 

Because, according to my statistics via google search, there are an estimated 132 million orphans worldwide.  Maybe that would look more daunting if I included the zeros-

1 3 2, 0 0 0, 0 0 0
Sean and I joke, that if we win the lottery, we could make a bigger difference.  But the reality is, even the lottery wouldn't take away a single zero from that number.  So you begin to feel like what is the purpose.  Why care for one, (or two), when you know that even as you care for that one, another one is having his finger eaten to the bone by rats as he sleeps in the night -
(As my good friend Linny posted about today.  They have an orphanage in Uganda.) 

That is impossible for me to comprehend.  A world where little ones are not safe in the night from nasty rodents who literally eat them while they sleep?  That is horrifying.

So, I get discouraged.  What am I doing? What am I doing that really makes a difference?  I open up my fridge, I turn on my faucet to clean water, I have warmth and shelter and clothes and luxuries that are completely unimaginable to a good percentage of the world. 

& I think in my heart I will always want to do more.

Because 
Proverbs 24:12 tells us that "Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act."
Yes, we are called to act, but there are just. so. many. ...

and then,

I am encouraged by this verse.

Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.   Mark 9:37

I'm thankful for this reminder.  God knows we are human.  He calls us to the one.  He calls us to do what we can for the one.  To care for them and love them.

And it is effective, and it is worth it.

So welcome the one!  We are excited to welcome our two in just 10 days!
And just as I was writing this post I read some amazing news about a little one in China.  This news has made my whole day absolutely happy! 

Over a year ago Sean and I fasted and prayed for a little girl name Maya in an orphanage in China.  She was one of the "ones" that God called us to care for.  At less than 6 months old and only 10 pounds, through a miraculous chain of events, Maya was found to have a 2 pound cancerous tumor.    2 pounds of this 10 pound baby, was made up of cancer cells.
 Lord. 
She also had cleft lip and palate and pneumonia...

But she always had these gorgeous smiles in her pictures,

And despite the chemo... her hair just kept growing! 

Seriously, I love this little girl.  Her personality shines through all her pictures.


Maya became special to me and I prayed and checked up on her often. 

So, why care for the one?

Because recently....sweet little Maya....

Took her first steps.
.
.
..
.

AND, she has been found CANCER FREE!

So pray for the one!


James 5:16 ..pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

If you need your daily does of cute Chinese babies...
*and to see a pic of Maya's first steps
http://newdayfosterhome.blogspot.com/search/label/Maya

Proper Boys  <3


I was thinking today that I cannot wait to have more than the 2 pictures we have of Dennis and Max.  They are the pictures we recieved of them from the host program- sitting on the couch -Dennis is smiling, and Max is smiling, but looks kinda nervous. 

I was thinking I cannot wait to see more sides of them!  Their goofy silly side; their "boy" tree-climbing-mud-stomping side; their pouty cranky "I want more candy" side;  their "don't make me take a bath" side, their brotherly looking out for eachother side;  Their snuggly movie-watching side. 

I wonder what they are like!!  And I really don't know!  And it is very exciting, almost like pregnancy when you just cannot wait to know what your baby is - boy/girl, dark hair/light hair, husband look-alike, or your mini-me!  This is even more intrigueing than waiting on a baby, because these are KIDS!   These are kids with already developed personalities and we get to really figure them out.

sidenote: (This is funny coming from the person who never thought she could get into the whole older child adoption idea.  I always thought, hey, awesome, but I don't think I could do that.  Now I see how neat it is!  Loving someone for who they are.. not saying hey give me a baby and I will make them who I want them to be.  In a sense: I will make them fit me.  People who adopt older kids must say "I'll grow and stretch and ache and bend over backwards to meet you where you are and love you selflessly.  That is a.ma.zing.  Y'all people who have adopted older kids... let me know who you are.  I am going to bake you a cake or something cause dang, y'all are inspiring!) 

----to get back on track----

As I was thinking about this, and about the picture thing, it hit me!

(duh)

I do have more pictures of them! 

When we committed to host them, a woman who adopted her two sons, (same age as Max and Dennis), from the same orphanage, sent me a few pics of the boys in an email.  She had taken some pics of them when she had traveled to Ukraine to adopt her little guys.  OH YAY!  I looked at them multiple times that first week or two, but then I completely forgot they existed! 

wanna see?

I especially like this one.  (Max is on the left, and Dennis is on the right)  I am assuming this is the proper picture taking stance?  Right hand over left.  These guys are going to teach Jacob and Ellia a thing or two about propriety.  ha!

Wanted to share another awesome thing going on!  The program we are hosting through is a nationwide program.  Which is cool!  There are just over 100 kids coming and they are going to be scattered all over the US, spending time in our pretty awesome country.  All different parts of it!

 

When we signed up for hosting, we were told that if they didn't end up with 10 kids coming to the Northeast, we would have to fly elsewhere to pick up the boys.  It meant that we would have to fly to Georgia, and pick up our boys, and then fly back with them.  After an already grueling 16 hour flight, the LAST thing we wanted to do with them was pop them on another plane.  Not to mention the price of flying us to Georgia, and then all of us back to Pa.  Well, we ended up with 10 famililes flying into the Northeast!  Woo hoo!  We were definitely relieved! 

So, anyway - these kids are scattered all over the place.  But there are some families that are hosting that have a friend in town who is also hosting!  I think that is so neat.  I whispered to God more than once how neat I thought this was.  And how much I really wished I had a friend who shared this passion with me.  Most people, even the encouragers were less than "woo hoo" when I shared with them this awesome thing we were going to do.  I secretly had my fingers crossed with a few people I told about hosting that the light would flick on and they would say

 

"WOO HOO!  Where do we sign up!?" 

It didn't happen.  No, not once. 

So, I kept sharing it with God, and secretly getting jealous ;) when other hosters were scheduling playdates with their host kids.  I wanted someone to lean on when things were difficult, someone to celebrate with when the kids arrived, someone to just be in the boat with us!  Someone real... not just people on our yahoo hosting group.

God showed up!

Bam

I got an email from a hoster who signed up that lives just 45 minutes from me!

That was great God!

Thanks, God!  I am always impressed when you show up.

We could do little trips with this person.  Meet at the zoo or something!! Call eachother up!
And then...

I got an email that another family  in. our. church. family. was hosting!  WHAT!  No way! 

Not only was another family in our church hosting....they were hosting from UKRAINE!  They could have been from Russia, Latvia, China. 

Nope.

ukraine!

How cool! our little buddies will be able to speak to each other in Ukrainian at church!

Some people would say "oh, cool coincidence."  I say... Listen... God actually cares about our desires.  He loves us.  He provides!

Whisper to him!  It is more than awesome realizing he listens and wants to meet our needs.